March On

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My Clique

It was around March 9, of 2009. I remember it well because that’s a Public & Bank holiday in my home country of Belize. I was at a local membership club with my my son and niece so that they could swim and play. It was just me and them, a very usual clique around this time of my life. I had one of those crazy moments I’ve read about in books, seen in movies and heard Oprah refer to as the “Aha Moment”.

My son was not feeling well and neither was I, although his was physical and mine was emotional. I was out of sorts… sad and disheartened. I was questioning everything in my life… EVERYTHING.

I was unhappily married and unhappily self employed running a hotel and living off a blueprint I did not design. I remember writing a letter to my mom that day. She had passed away suddenly almost ten years prior. I was explaining to her that I was unhappy on so many levels and questioning everything in my life.

Why was I in a marriage that did not serve me?

Why was I running a business that I was growing to hate? (Yes, hate!)

What is my belief about Jesus Christ?

Why? What? When? How?

I wanted answers. I set out to find them. Literally.

justmeAnd, I remember declaring emphatically that I was ready for change. I even posted it on FaceBook, so that makes it really real. It was on FaceBook!

I wanted to change my life.

I had no idea how this would unfold over the coming few weeks, months, years to bring me to where I sit today… somewhere in California happily typing behind a laptop that is not mine and feeling like “Aha!” is about to completely envelope and love me beyond definition. I had no idea I would eventually be working virtually and could essentially work from my home country or any other country, quite frankly.

Life is full of so many changes … peaks and valleys. Sometimes when I look back on the last 7 years of my life I am completely amazed and in some instances traumatized.

I often find myself saying that in March 2009 I was awakened.

There have been so many ups and downs and in-betweens, and although I do remember much of my life before March 2009 it feels like I became more present and my eyes opened after that time. I started to see, be in touch with, feel on every level, be highly connected to so many things and people and places and events and it changed how I saw many things, people, places and events. And each time I’ve fallen off track with that inner connection… that knowing and that voice I found myself in some very sad, hurtful and disheartening situations. It is now my quest to stay as connected as I can to that inner spirit… that full and complete me who is ever changing and evolving and aging (sigh) and growing! March 2009 brought me to a moment I knew I had to March On from so many things, people, places and events. I did not the know the how… how life would unfold. I only knew the surface of it all: I was ready for change. I had no idea how hard some of them would be to make or how some of it would feel like it was forced on me to do. Life has a way of forcing us out of an environment even when we feel like we are yet still not ready.

mommicasThese changes would include divorce on many levels: unions, ideas, businesses, friendships… believing without a whimper or a doubt in what people said could never happen, witnessing the loss of life for one of my closest and dearest darling friends (and the mother of my beautiful niece) all too soon and making choices for the benefit of my son even if it meant completely shutting my whole life down to help him.

All the changes since that time have brought me to where I am… were you paying attention? I’m behind the laptop, remember? The one that isn’t mine? But I am happily typing… the greatest thing I’ve learned is that I am here to write my own music… dance solely to the beat of my own drum and sway to my own personal & perfect rhythm.

Everything has a rhythm. Every place has a rhythm. Ever person has a rhythm. Every event has a rhythm.

What’s yours? And dare you March On to it?

6 Comments

  1. Those first steps taken in your march have been those of giants my love. It takes great courage to take the first one! You took the risk so many of us are so scared to take. Mostly because of fear, fear of the unknown, of making mistakes, of failure. Despite all that was against you and all the uncertainty you marched on.

    The choices you’ve made comes from a strong mind. Although you’ve felt you lived a dream that was not your own – one that was your mother’s – it’s one that has moulded you into the strong woman you are today.

    XooX,
    MJA ;o)

  2. I truly believe that most AHA moments are realized when we are most vulnerable and uncomfortable. We need to be lowered from all the things that make us uncomfortable so that our eyes, ears and most of all our arms are open and prepared for the situations and people who are placed in our lives to lift us up into a new and amazing journey. Thank you for being a part of that source for me in a time where my rhythm panged in my mind so loudly and wouldn’t let me rest until I decided to finally merge and walk in unison to its sway. And day by day I am awakened by new and interesting beats in my soul that lets me know there’s so much more out there! You are an amazing woman!

  3. Taking that 1st step is always the hardest, why? Because of FEAR, fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of looking stupid, fear of this, that and everything in between. However, when we get the courage to kick fear out the way we realize that whatever decision we make, whatever steps we take, it is the right one for where we are this very minute, this very moment.

    Thank you for sharing!

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