I’m Not Sleeping Alone In My Bed Tonight

I’m Not Sleeping Alone In My Bed Tonight

When you left I was broken
Chanting prayers in a closet where I’d made a shrine for the love of you
For the love of us. What?!

I didn’t even recognize who I had become
I really thought we were meant to be
Forever and a day – my boo and me.

At first, I could hardly find it in me to cry
I was taught to ‘man up’ since I was a child.
Working in my village, selling on the street side
Boy, do you even know who I am?
I was born to Survive.

But there I was, only a thread of who I knew myself to be
Left to process a mirage of memories
Your morning letters, flowers and countless words professing your love for me
Vows to God, sweet prayers and words to convince me and my family

LIES!

ALL. LIES!

You checked out and I felt like the empty room you left behind
A MESS – the room, the house, the yard. And Me.
Total. Disarray.
All I’d done for us but nothing was good enough to make you stay

My sheets rumbled, trash overflowing, towels on the ground, tears drops and food spills
My heart in shambles and my body a wreck
Apologizing, begging and pleading for you to reconsider me
What the!?!?!

I went into meek and mild
From strong independent woman to a desperate child

It took a long time for me to realize it was over.
You were not coming back
My house that was once filled with love was empty
Except for me and every hard and debilitating memory

Til that one one fine day I finally woke up

BUT

Not before I felt like I just couldn’t

Not before countless breakdowns

Not before I grasped at every straw to save what we had

And not before it hit me that there was nothing more that I could do

You were gone

We were through

This morning though…
The sunlight hit me through my window in the bathroom
And again in the kitchen
Like it was following me around to get my attention.

And I stood in their rays took them in like blessings from above
There was my home, getting filled with His love.

My home is mine again
Almost devoid of memories of you.
My yard is clean and my heart is fine.

My smile is back, my vibrance is bright.
And I’m not sleeping alone in my bed tonight.

 

by Jeannie Shaw

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